Monday, November 3, 2014

Debt

Being in debt
Owing my therapist thousands
Literally thousands
Is so difficult

I think twice about everything
Should I take the bus
Or walk?

Can I buy a new winter coat
Or should I wear the one that's too small?

Is it okay to buy a pack of super cool markers
Or is treating myself wrong
When I owe so much?

I try to contact organizations to help.
I choke on my words as I leave a message
And then don't even hear back.

I get emails back from people that they're "working on it"
But how do I know if I should shoot off a reminder or just wait it out?

To donate to my therapy fund:
http://www.gofundme.com/DIDTherapyFund

Or

Keren Zichron Gedalyahu 
C/O Rabbi Keller
565 East 8th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11218

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Waiting

I am lifeless
I am drained
I have no thoughts
But
Those pulling me away

Sunday, April 13, 2014

CYS Day 2014

For those who are newer to my blog, CYS stands for Celebrate Your Strength, and today, the day before bedikas chometz is the day I do my celebrating. Seventeen years ago today, I broke out of the abuse. I told.

I try to make the day special, ever since my last therapist came up with the idea a bunch of years ago. I've gotten together with friends, painted pottery...done a lot of really nice things.

This year I'm not feeling it, I'm crying, and I can't think of a single thing to do. Ideas welcome!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Dear World

Dear World,
I am a liar, I hope you'll forgive me though.
Dear World,
I cannot help it, I'm afraid of you, you know.
Dear World,
If I would stop the hiding, let you in my head,
Dear World, would you be see me as a burden or a friend?
Dear World,
If I would tell you, that you work with me each day,
Dear World,
You sat with me in class, in camp we'd always play.
Dear World,
I am your neighbor, your relative, your friend,
I lie to you each day, but now I make amends.
You see, I need your help; hiding won't do it any longer,
And maybe, oh just maybe, telling will make me stronger.
So here I am to tell you, I don't request funds for "a friend",
If you donate to my DID fund, you're helping me, in the end.
Dear World,
Now that I've told you, I give permission; go ahead,
If you can't handle my truth, you can hit "unfriend".
You can stop following me, block me, delete my number,
Just before you do it, I ask for one small favor.
Tell me that you're doing it, that you find my life too hard,
If you are honest about it, I'll forgive with all my heart.
If you just disappear, or simply pretend to be a friend,
I'll find out eventually, and it'll hurt more in the end.
With my heart and soul exposed,
Mamela

Www.sheffele.blogspot.com
Www.gofundme.com/DIDTherapyFund

Monday, January 6, 2014

Davening

I ran into a former teacher of mine last week. I haven't seen her in over ten years. We got to talking, she and I. As always, I hid behind my mask. My mask of being the Bais Yaakov girl she thinks I am.

She mentioned how she remembers my davening. I remember it, too. And it made me so angry.

She SAW! She SAW the pain I was in, all those years ago. She SAW how I cried.

I remember her asking once, what was wrong. I didn't answer her. And she accepted my silence. She didn't probe. She didn't tell me that no matter what, I can come to her.

She chose to take the easy way out. She chose to assume...what? I don't know what she assumed. Maybe she thought I had a sick relative?

She watched me daven, and cry. Five days a week, for an entire school year. And then I moved on, to another grade, another teacher. I wasn't her problem anymore.

And I continued crying. Silently.